Fear is your friend!

There’s no shortage of fear. If you don’t have any in your life right now, just wait a bit and some will show up when you least expect it.

We need fear. I know that’s hard to believe.  We need the discomfort that comes from it, and ranges from a  slight edge to gut wrenching anxiety and panic.

Have you ever been frozen in fear? In order for that to happen, you would have been severely tested, perhaps even in a perceived life threatening way. Fear is the natural protective mechanism that has withstood the test of time to keep us safe from the saber tooth tigers of life. It also keeps us small.

Fear limits us, it holds us back. It tells us that we are not enough. It lies to us. It says; “what will people say or think”.  It says. who are you to think that’s possible.” It says,”you will fail and that you aren’t good enough, not smart enough, financially abundant enough,not lovable enough, fit enough, confident enough, not beautiful enough,talented enough, etc…so don’t even bother.”

Fear is also the birthplace of courage. In the moment that fear exists, simultaneously, an offsetting amount of courage becomes available. This is worth remembering. Without fear courage can’t exist. This is worth repeating. You must have fear in order to do something courageous. If there is no fear, then courage cannot exist.

Years ago at an event, I climbed a telephone pole and stood at the top and then helped a woman who was afraid of heights do the same thing. She had far more courage than I did. I wasn’t afraid so it was easy for me. No courage was required.  She was petrified, crying and frozen in fear briefly… and then… she did it. I felt honored  to have participated in that amazing transformation, and I was blown away by her courage.

Can you remember a time when you did something while you were afraid? Do you also remember how good it felt to have faced that fear?

You access courage by stepping into your fear and doing something anyway. The greater the fear, the greater the courage that becomes available in that moment. Mostly we never see it. It’s there to enable us to do the thing that needs to be done. We can choose to feel the fear and still rise up… grabbing our courage, or we can choose to soak ourselves in our fear.

Waiting for the fear to go away is an exercise in futility. The longer you wait, the more the fear will build up around that thing you need to do.

Courage is acting while afraid. Courage is going right at your fear and saying Thank You! or F*ck You!, and then doing whatever needs to be done.

Is fear running your life in some way? That thing you are most afraid of is unknowingly operating unchecked  in your life, and it’s keeping you from feeling the freedom that you deserve.

Imagine what might happen if you were to choose to be courageous.  One more courageous act every day and who knows…How unstoppable  might you become?

Free yourself by remembering your courage.  Your life will never be the same.

The passion between two people, the deep connection, sexual chemistry, and the desire for each other does not have to drift silently away. This does happen to most couples, but it does not have to happen to you.

We all live busy, hectic lives and if we are honest, we neglect our partners from time to time. We take them for granted. Yes, they do the same thing to us, but I will focus on what one person can do to restore passion in their relationship….that one person being YOU reading this now.

Restoring passion starts in your mind and actions. It will not happen by itself after 3 years of nothing no matter how much you wish it was the way it used to be.

Here are 4 things you need to know:
1. Have Courage – There will be times when you will not want do what you are about to read. Your courage will help you do it anyway. It only takes less than 20 seconds of courage at a time. It takes courage to make something greater happen in your life.

2. Make a Commitment – If you want to create something amazing, you have to do something about it often. You can’t go to the gym once every two months and expect to be fit. Commit to making these new ideas a habit.

3. Be Clear – Have a clear idea of what you want to create in your relationship. If you don’t know what you specifically want, it won’t happen. The more clear you are, the more efficiently you will work towards making it happen.

4. Use Your Creativity – The more you are willing to try new things and to expand on whatever is already working to create a unique experience, the more aliveness you bring into the relationship. We are only limited by our willingness to be creative.

Here’s 5 steps to take:
Step 1 Change your tone with your partner. Soften up and lighten up. Come from your heart and remember or imagine that you care so much for this other person. Really notice them and appreciate them for who they are. Let go of resentments and bitterness from the past for these moments. Drop any harshness from your voice or posture.

Step 2 Initiate Connection- While you have changed your tone, touch your partner more often, hold them, and kiss them. Bring more affection into your day to day routine no matter what else is going on.

Step 3 Entice- Remind them of things that you find sexy about them. Be specific, and tell them. Surprise them with an unexpected whisper about what you want to do with them. Allow that to sink in and percolate. Let it simmer. Be playful and fun. Passion is enticed out, it cannot be forced. Sensual teasing is good.

Step 4 Linger- When you hug them or touch them or kiss them, maintain the connection for just a little longer. Take your time allowing the feeling to grow. Stay a little longer when you whisper in their ear. Hold your eye contact longer when you talk with them or tell them what you find sexy about them. Bathe yourself in these feelings of small connections that are building and heating up. Slow down, you’ll like it.

Step 5 Surprise- Everyone likes pleasant surprises. Create a habit of doing different things and exploring. Do something unexpected. Use your creativity to bring a new sense of aliveness to something that might be routine. Every moment can be different.

Do these things regularly and the chemistry and passion in your relationship will not disappear. It’s far more likely to grow and expand. Imagine how you will feel in a passionate, deeply connected relationship. Imagine the aliveness that you will feel in these new moments. Bring more playfulness and fun, and curiosity and adventure into your relationship. Start today because everything else can wait.

Do you know better but are still stuck?

Resistance!  Resistance is what keeps you small. It prevents you from stepping up in your life to do the things that are required if you want something to change. It’s the defensiveness that blocks out the truth….you are missing out and have forgotten what your courage looks like.

Defensiveness is what prevents the guidance and input that resonates with that truth. You keep up the walls to protect what little is left of your self-worth. Maybe you have been beating yourself up for months or even years over something that needs to change and you have done nothing about it.

The smaller your supply of self-worth, the more you have to protect it at all costs even when you are just plain wrong. Being wrong would confirm your greatest fear…that you aren’t good enough. It would be the final straw that might collapse the balance of your worth and then you would be left with…. What?… Nothing?….or… Something so small you might be a shell of your former self?   None of that is true at all!

Here are 3 things to do right now if this resistance resonates with you:

1. Get More Clarity- Do you know exactly and specifically what you want in your life? My experience is that most people are not that clear. For example: If you want a great relationship, what does that mean for you? What does it look like? What does it feel like? What are you doing with each other? How are you interacting? How do you want to feel when you are around them? How do you want to handle misunderstandings? What are the things that you really want to agree on? What’s most important to you about it? What does it look like one year from now?

Most people can’t be bothered taking a little bit of time to think and dig deeper into the details of what they want. So the outcome is cloudy thinking and ambiguous targets that never get reached.

2. Lighten Up – Lighten up on yourself. Take a break from beating yourself up day in and day out. It’s like finally getting the car of your dreams and going out every morning with a crow bar and beating on it. Are you doing this to yourself? Be kinder to yourself.  Yes things haven’t gone the way you want them too, but you get to decide how you treat yourself and everyone around you. Decide to be nicer to you.

Ask yourself How can I treat myself with more kindness today?  We all need more fun, more playfulness, more silliness more light heartedness and a lot more laughter. You get to decide how much of that to create for you and those around you.

3. Be Courageous- It takes courage to change your life. It takes courage to tell yourself the truth. It takes courage to admit that you were wrong. It takes courage to want a life that is more than you might have right now. Stop blaming yourself or everyone else. Take responsibility for the things in your life that you CAN control.

Courage is available in small amounts all day. Can you find 20 seconds of courage right now to tell someone you were wrong? Can you find the 20 seconds of courage to do that uncomfortable thing that you know will open up a new possibility in your life and risk the rejection anyway? You can… Will you?

Courage is the difference all the time, every time. We are much stronger and more resilient than we think. We have so much courage inside of us and we all forget that from time to time. What would be possible if you just decided to be courageous every day…. just for a few 20 second intervals… what might change? Take that multiples of 20 seconds a day out over the next 3 months and you can imagine the impact on your happiness and self worth. How much better will you feel about YOU?

As you read this, maybe you are feeling a certain way and wondering about your courage even now and maybe you are ready to get back to your busyness and do nothing based on what you just read. That’s OK…its just a choice. That’s also your resistance creeping in.

You can embrace your resistance and get totally curious about it, and hug it and love it enough to change it, or you can go kick its’ ass and remember that 20 seconds of courage isn’t really all that much. Decide!

Which regrets will you have?

About eight years ago, after a 20+ year career in the financial industry working mostly 12-14 hours a day with the occasional weekend thrown in, I decided it was time to move on.  I had achieved lots of success.  I had been honored and recognized nationally.  I had accomplished everything that I had set out to do.

I had also paid a price. My first marriage had lasted barely 5 years.  My once invincible health had deteriorated thanks to the stress that I had put myself under.

My second and possibly third wakeup call to move on came with the announcement that my second wife was pregnant.  I was going to be a dad.

Everyone gets a wakeup call that our lives need to change.  Some of us hear it and some of us ignore it and plunge stubbornly forward, despite health struggles and relationships disasters, and stressed out personal lives.  I know all about that.

Millions of us sacrifice precious years of our lives in the pursuit of financial and career success to the  corporate machine.  I have watched it suck the life out of countless employees.  I have seen young men die of stress in their early 30’s and 40’s leaving crushed families behind.

What do you want your life to be about? 

If you love your job or career today, you are in the clear minority.  All of the data points to incredible levels of dissatisfied and unhappy workers.  As a society we are more stressed than ever.

A client once told me that his biggest regret was realizing that he had sacrificed so much of himself in order to achieve the financial goals of his company.  He was on his third marriage, had no real friends, didn’t really know his children, and was on five different medications to keep health issues in check.

He had forgotten who he really was.  He had lost an important part of himself while he was slashing hundreds of loyal long term employees jobs in the pressures of narrowing profits.  Inevitably he himself was cut from the payroll after 17 years of “doing their dirty work”.   He had become a shell of himself.

Here are a few questions to ponder:

What lights you up?   What makes your heart sing?   What are you doing that causes time to fly by?

Have you had a wakeup call that you have ignored?  Sometimes we get a second chance.

True Life Success is much more than money:

It’s living fully, having fulfilling loving relationships, and knowing you are making a difference.  Adding vibrant health and energy, along with a sense of gratitude, and you wake up happy and joyful every day, ready for the adventures that you are creating.

Are you spending your time doing what’s truly most important to you?  Are you sacrificing overall life success in the pursuit of money?  It’s your life, you do get to decide.

Is it time to write a new story about the rest of your life?  It’s just a choice.  Your choice.

The Credibility Crash of Lance Armstrong

Below is a replay of a live Spreecast that I did with Mitch Jackson, communications expert and California Litigation Lawyer of the Year.

There are come great tips for your personal life, business and relationships.  Including a bit on Lance Armstrong.

Enjoy!

http://www.spreecast.com/events/communication-and-relationships/embed-medium

It’s not because of a lack of love, it’s because of a lack of something else.  No, not sex.

When you look at the reality of marriage today.  My best guess is that about 10%-15% of marriages are happy.   Happy doesn’t mean that things are just OK.

A happy marriage means that you are still in love with and feel a deep connection and passion for your partner.  That your life is enhanced is so many ways because of your marriage and you feel grateful to have that person to share your life with.   After 14 years together, that’s where I am in my marriage.  Do you know many people who are really happily married?

Why do so many couples struggle?  There’s plenty information out there about what to do to fix your relationship.  I have a free report on my website loaded with content that works fast.   I constantly refer people to it who cannot afford my guidance.  But, very few actually look at it.  Do they connect with me hoping for the easy instantaneous miracle after 9 years of misery?

Here’s the truth: Marriage isn’t easy.  Marriage can be difficult.  Any long term relationship can have challenging moments.  Being with another person isn’t always perfectly fun.  There will be tough moments.

What do people do in those difficult moments? They are mostly doing very little.  How are people responding to the challenges in their relationships?  They are mostly responding poorly.

Here’s Why:  The #1 Thing that people lack is not love, it’s not information, it’s COURAGE.

It takes courage to put your partner first.  It takes courage to make your marriage more important than something else in your busy life.  It takes courage to have heart felt understanding for your partner.  It takes courage to admit you are wrong and apologize.  It takes real courage to want something exceptional and have the willingness to do something all the time to make it happen.

It takes courage to step into the difficult thing and to do it even when it’s really tough and you don’t want to, and you are afraid.  Maybe you are afraid of rejection, afraid of not being enough, afraid of giving and not getting anything back.  Facing all of those fears and doing it anyway requires courage.

Here’s a suggestion that I gave a woman recently who is going through a tough time and is at odds with her partner:

“Maybe John is feeling off because he doesn’t know how to handle you right now and you are feeling off because you don’t know how you feel about him exactly…

If you decided that you were going to ask him to hold you for a few moments…, and know that he might want to say something you wouldn’t want to hear, and might be confused…, and still allow that to happen… knowing that it was hard to do anyway… and find something in that holding that could create a new moment.  That requires courage…doing it and knowing it may not happen the way you want, and doing it anyway, because if it works it will be so worthwhile…maybe incredibly comforting…maybe re-connecting. 

 That’s courage in action, and your willingness to step into your courage and do that over and over again knowing it might fail, and knowing that you never fail when you are addressing fear, creates a strength that can’t be taken away.”

 This is how marriages get transformed, one act of courage at a time.  This is how relationships get changed.  Find the courage to do something that’s difficult all the time and everything will change and it will get easier and easier to do.   Right now is a great time to start.

“A fool learns from their own mistakes, a wise person learns from the mistakes of others”

Based on this quote, I‘ve been pretty foolish in my life.  I’ve made countless mistakes and I’m not done yet….there’s plenty more to come.   Screwing up royally from time to time has its advantages, but only if we are learning from it and not repeating the same mistakes.

Often the greatest lessons are the ones that we learn from other people messing up, so that we never have to suffer the consequences of their mistakes.  Sometimes just watching people make mistakes can be painful enough.

Over the past several years when clients talk with me about their relationship challenges and reveal their operating behaviors occasionally a booming voice in my brain says…”remember to never do this.” 

Sometimes people aren’t really thinking about what they are doing to the point of absurdity.  For example if you start calling your spouse your favorite f-ing c word and wonder why she resents you it’s time to talk.   If you start calling your man a f-ing worthless p of s and wonder why you don’t seem to be able to communicate we also need to talk.   This is actually occurring more frequently than I would have imagined.

Most couples argue from time to time and in the heat of the moment people can say and do things that are completely outside the borders of reasonability.

11 not so precious gems.  Do them at the risk of your relationship:

1.  Do not call your partner degrading, vial, derogatory names and expect them to just forget about it.

2.  Making fun of your partner in front of their family and friends doesn’t bring the love.

3.  Do not have sex with your partner’s best friend and act like it’s not a big deal.

4.  Do not take your children with you to see this best friend that you are screwing while your partner  is away.

5. Saying what’s f…ing wrong with you 10 times in the course of an hour is not considered heartfelt understanding.

6.  Constantly trying to fix your partner and tell them what to do all the time will not create trust and respect.

7.  Imagining that I will fix them and tell them what to do for you is a serious hallucination.

8.  While I value your opinion, just because you have been married 5 times so far does not mean that you know what to do.

9.  Blaming your partner for everything that’s not working in your life will not create a deeper sense of connection.

10.  If your relationship is on the edge of divorce and your partner is totally committed to working on the relationship, while you are waiting for them to decide before you decide to do anything or commit, time to get a good divorce attorney.

11. Before your anniversary when your partner tells you they have a baby sitter for the night, saying “cancel the baby sitter we aren’t going anywhere together” is unlikely to increase sexual activity.

Clearly emotions rage in relationships and common sense often gives way to non-sense.  Far better to imagine that your significant other is really a precious gem and start treating them that way.   

Your relationship future rests is in your hands more powerfully than you realize.   You get to decide always how you respond.  You get to decide always what you will do.   You get to decide always your willingness to be playful, fun loving and creative.

Relationships are not always easy, but there is no reason to make them impossible.  Stop doing the things that are destroying your relationship today.  If you are doing any of these 11 things, your relationship is on the edge of change.  It will not stay the same.  It will either get better, or it will be over.

“Make one less mistake every day and pretty soon you own the world”

A big black bug hit my windshield last night and smashed it in.  It was a truck tire at 60 miles an hour on I95.

It came from the darkness up high in the air and my eye picked it up only about 6 feet away coming down on a collision course with me.  My mind only had a moment to register “Tire, Shit”!  It caved in the windshield and bent the top of the car.  I hit the breaks and then another car hit me from the back.  Glass was everywhere on me and around me.  No one stopped.

After I got the car on the shoulder, I took a quick inventory of me.  I immediately attached a meaning to the accident.  I felt happy.  I felt grateful to still be here.  I am still happy about it.  My car might be a total loss.  I could care less.  The tow truck driver couldn’t understand why I was happy and smiling.

I didn’t think about the errands I needed to run and all the things I had to do.  I thought about my wife and son and family and how much I loved them.

Life will continuously give us challenges.  It will rock us and shake us to our core from time to time as you know.   What we do about it, and the meanings that we give it are everything.

What’s really most important to you?  What are you doing about it?  We will all run out of days.

We all get to decide what our lives are about and how we want to live them.  Our time is precious, make it matter.

Living a Life of Purpose

The year is 2013 and you are looking back on the past 10 years of your life…evaluating…wondering…how did I do?

Did I make a difference?  We all want to know that we are here for a reason, and that we matter.  Everyone searches for a life of meaning in one way or another.   People are thinking about it even if they never act on it.

Did I live my purpose?  What did you do with the time that was given you?  When people discover the purpose of their lives, priorities often change.  Maybe you know someone who has changed careers in order to pursue a different life.  Knowing the the why you are here, and what you are here to do is not just important it’s essential for long term happiness.

What was the meaning of the past 10 years of your life?

Everyone in the world wants to be happy, but for many people it seems impossible to achieve.   If you ask parents around the world if they had just one wish for their children what would it be, the answer you would hear close to 100% of the time is “I just want them to be happy.“  They aren’t referring to the momentary happiness that comes from buying more stuff or the latest iPhone app.   Its a much deeper wish….a wish for a life time of happiness for their children.

Most people miss out on being truly happy because they never discover their life purpose.   We all want to know that we are unique, important, and special.  But for people who are living self focused, and self absorbed lives, happiness is elusive.  Feelings of emptiness, or that something’s missing is what fills the time that isn’t occupied with meaningless to do lists, schedules, routines and busyness.  Is the hectic, crazy life just there to keep deeper levels of emotions away?  Many people have an illusion that they can control their emotional life by just staying busy.  It’s doesn’t work that way, and these unwelcome feelings persist.

Are you a human doing, or a human being?  For many of us, one of the worst things to have is quiet time alone because then the feelings of emptiness and life dissatisfaction can be overwhelming.  If this is you, then it’s a sign that something in your life needs to change.  The next step would be to find the courage to change it.

We all have courage.  Can you find 20 seconds of courage regularly throughout the day?  You can because it’s there inside of all of us.  Your life can change 20 seconds at a time with a new decision.  Will you make a new decision today?

Happiness is never found in the momentary pleasures of more things that money can buy.  That’s why so many mega lottery winners wind up broke and unhappy within two years.  The Hollywood model of fame and fortune is filled with the relentless unhappiness of multiple divorces, drug and alcohol addictions, and wondering “who isn’t interested in using me and taking from me.”

Believing that happiness is found in the pursuit of more achievement and stuff can provide moments of pleasure, but it’s all superficial fluff.  It doesn’t keep the emptiness away.   Digging deep, just below the surface there’s underlying sadness, and regret.  Most people will fill their lives with the most unimportant things in order to avoid feeling that way.

If it’s not about me, what’s life about?  According to Human Needs Psychology, the only way to feel fulfilled is to grow and contribute beyond ourselves.   For some people, lifelong learning for the purpose of sharing their wisdom is enough to make their hearts sing.   What causes your creativity to flow?   What makes your heart sing?  What do you like to do that causes time to fly by?

We all know people who make us feel good when we are around them.  Can you make a stranger smile today?   Can you give someone a gift by your words that they will remember and cherish?  Imagine what that might be…

How do you feel about your future?  What do you imagine your life to be like 10 years from now?  If you know that your life is filled with purpose, you can easily imagine a bright future. The sense of aliveness with how you can contribute to that purpose is a motivating force for so many who have discovered their Why.  Why am I here?

It’s all in your hands.  What do you want the next 10 years of your life to be like?  When you look back in 10 more years… Will you have lived fully?  Will you have loved completely?  Will you have found your purpose? Your true happiness is really just a side effect, or a byproduct of living your purpose.  You can wake up every day feeling happy no matter what the circumstances.  Will you write a new chapter in your life, or continue your old story?  Help is only a mouse click jeff@peakresultscoaching.com or phone call away.

Every day you lose another chance to make your life the incredible adventure you deserve. Pretty soon you run out of days. Decide!

What if it was really that easy?

Are you one of the many people who gets overwhelmed and stressed out about Holiday Season?  You’re not alone.  Millions of people experience negative emotions that range from depression and sadness to anxiety and loneliness.   It’s a particularly difficult time of year if your goal is to “just survive” the Holidays.

I noticed Christmas displays and Holiday lights up before Halloween this year.  Even that by itself can start the emotional roller coaster in early motion.  So what can you do about it?

Here are some things to do if you find yourself in emotional distress.

1. Have a plan- If you have emotionally struggled through the holidays in the past, it’s time to plan ahead.  Find people who can support you, and offer your support to others.  Know who you are going to call and reach out in advance to let them know.  There are many local; social, religious and community support groups if you don’t feel you can rely on family and friends.  There are also plenty of opportunities to volunteer that can lift your spirits.  Make a decision now to reach out for any professional help that you need.  

2.  Recognize your feelings- It’s perfectly normal for people to experience sadness over the holidays for a variety of reasons like a recent divorce or the death of a loved one.   It can be helpful to acknowledge your feelings and express them.   The expectations of family and financial pressure can be enough to push stress levels over the limit.  Who are you going to allow to trigger you emotionally this year?  Think about that for a moment…who is going to push your buttons?  Will you let them?

3.  Get Creative- We are only limited by our willingness to be creative in order to shift our lives and emotions.  We think that we’ve tried everything, when in reality; most people have tried the same 3 or 4 things over and over.  If something isn’t working, do something else.  If you feel stuck, that means it’s time to think outside the box.  You have magic inside of you, so let some out. 

4.  Move your body- Working out is great to release the “feel good” endorphins.  You can also walk, sing, play your favorite music,  wash all your windows, march around playing a harmonica, do some yoga, take some deep breaths, do the world’s sexiest dance when no one is watching, or  even better, do it while someone ‘s watching…  stand in the snow or cold grass for 2 minutes, prepare gourmet food for the homeless, visit the elderly,  the ideas are endless.  Have some fun with it.

5.  Get Real – Tell yourself the truth.  Do you really need to everything to be perfect?  Do you really need to please everyone?  Do you really need to max out your credit cards and continue the debt death spiral?  Do you really need to worry about what some family member might be thinking about you?   What people think about you is far less important than what YOU think about yourself.  Your SELF worth is what really matters most, and as a reminder, you are totally in charge of that.

We are constantly creating meanings about things.  Something happens and we attach a meaning to it.  Is it the end, or is it a new begging?  When you change what something means, then a brand new world opens up with new possibilities.  What else could this _____ (insert challenge here) mean?

Time is fleeting, and we often forget what’s truly most important to us.  It’s easy to get caught up in holiday rituals and duties with no time for ourselves.  Take a few minutes and just sit and breathe into whatever emotion you are experiencing.  Next, notice what you notice about the feeling.  Where is it located?  What color is it?  Get curious about it and say to it “thanks for stopping by” and now notice what happens.  You might experience a pleasant Holiday surprise.   Happy Holidays!