Is It Because Men Think About Sex Every 7 Seconds?
Men are seriously interested in sex and think about it frequently. However when you look beyond the headline hype, they actually think about sex on average 19x per day vs. women at 10x per day. While even this number might seem high, it’s less than twice an hour. Let’s put it into perspective; men think about food at about the same rate, on average 18x a day. This data is from a recent 2012 Ohio State University Study of 18-25 year olds.
Men do think about sex more than women, but at almost the same frequency as they think of food. If men are sex maniacs, they must also be food maniacs. We must be just a bunch of horny, hungry guys.
So let’s get to the truth. Based on my interactions with hundreds of men in my coaching practice and through close friendships over the years here is what’s real.
Men don’t cheat solely to get more sex, or because the sex at home isn’t any good. There is a larger issue at play here. They frequently cheat when they feel unappreciated from a spouse or partner, and they cheat to feel significant again. Even if it’s for a short period of emotional escape time. In my opinion, this significance plays a larger role than the need for sexual variety.
This significance is a driving force and can be seen as the need to feel important, special, unique, of value, respected, successful, etc…When a man feels unappreciated at home, he doesn’t say to his wife “honey I feel like you don’t give my enough credit for all I do” or “ I wish you would just tell me how great you think I am”. Men don’t communicate this way. They do look for places to get this need to feel important met when they are feeling unappreciated.
Here are a few other triggers that create the opportunity for men to cheat. When men feel that they can’t make their woman happy, they get frustrated and feel like failures so they look for places to feel successful. Spending more time at work is a typical place for men to hide from their relationships. Here they are open to available opportunities to feel like men again with someone who treats them like they are special, attractive, valued, wanted, desired, etc. All more versions of significance.
When men talk about their sexual conquests it’s always in terms of; I did this, and I did that (more significance). They aren’t talking about the variety of women they have been with, they are talking about what they were able to do, or get the women to do for them. (more of the feeling significant, successful, unique). They did it… not me, or someone else… they did it. They are the man in those moments, even if it’s in their own minds. Regret and guilt factor in later on.
If you’ve heard anyone talk about the chase, or the excitement of pursuing and bedding a woman, here’s the reason; that’s all part of feeling significant. They were good enough to seduce her, and persuasive enough to get the job done.
You may remember some famous celebrity men whose success makes women constantly available to them, which of course makes them feel even more significant. They can have any woman they want, so they go from one to the other. This powerful feeling from position or success (more significance), can lead to a feeling of being entitled to do anything because it reinforces how special they are. They will usually only stop when a woman makes them feel extraordinary.
Men are not serial cheaters. In fact according to an Indiana University study men and women cheat at about the same rates today. This isn’t popular information. Men are emotional beings just like women. They may not show their feelings, but they’re there below the surface churning away.
If you’re a woman reading this and you want to keep your man faithful, make him feel like he’s your hero, and totally appreciated. Find opportunities to tell him how great you think he is, or to praise him for something that he’s done for you and/or the family. Learn how to meet all of his needs in the ways that he prefers to have them met. Learn how to meet his needs sexually in ways that makes him feel like the special man you have chosen. If you do, he will never want to leave.