5 Strategies For Creating Extraordinary Relationships

Do you know how to create an extraordinary, passionate, and loving relationship?

It’s no secret that intimate relationships are the cause of more pain and more pleasure than any other area in our lives. Romance, love and passion are all powerful forces. They pull us in. Yet, they can turn our world upside down, leaving us in pain just as easily as they can lift us up to amazing heights of happiness, joy and fulfillment.

We can feel an amazing deep connection one day and then wonder what happened as we struggle to make sense of our partner. What happened to the spark that initially caused that intense attraction…where did it go?

How do you bridge the gap back to what was once an amazing connection, from the cold reality of today’s existence? Is it even possible to return to love?

Maybe it’s our partner’s fault because they changed, and we don’t feel attracted to them anymore. Sometimes we can have no idea where they are even coming from. What if you barely get along? Even conversations can be stressful. What do we do about this constant struggle to relate over even the most basic issues? And how do we know when to give up and move on?

Our friends and family have all kinds of ideas about what we should do, but none of it works. After all, most of them are not exactly role models for fulfilling relationships.

There are plenty of couples who have extraordinary intimate relationships even after 40-50 years together. Relationships do not normally lose love, connection and passion over the years. What is the standard that you have for your relationship? Are you modeling an extraordinary relationship today, or have you settled for something that is lukewarm at best.

Re-ignite the spark in your relationship with these 5 Strategies:

1). Stop arguing with your partner. Do not try so solve any disagreements. Leave those alone for now. Do not try to fix anything that you think is wrong with your partner. This may seem strange to you, but it will free some of the essential energy needed to restore your relationship.  Trying to prove you are right is not the answer that you need.

2). Be who you were in the beginning of the relationship. You probably were playful and fun to be around back then. Maybe you were even downright silly because love can do interesting things to you … can’t it? You are not doing what you were in the beginning, or it would be like it was in the beginning.  If you truly loved someone what would you do for them?

3). Have heartfelt understanding for your partner. Put yourself in their shoes and FEEL how they feel. This is not head -felt understanding. This is about the heart. What do you notice when you are in their shoes?  There are always two sides to every story.  Do you know your partners side of the story?  Maybe there is something that you need to do as a result of this new understanding.

4). Put your partner first; their hopes, their dreams, their desires. Focus on giving your partner what they need. Do you know what they need? Can you give it to them in the way that they want to receive it? You can’t just intellectualize this. You have to actually give to them. This is not about waiting for your partner to give to your first. You be the one to give first. When there is really love and passion, and not just people who tolerate each other, or stay together for the kids, you will always find that they put their partner first.

5). Get back to your core masculine or feminine energy. Like two magnets, it takes polarity, or opposite energy to cause attraction. However, turn one of the magnets around and they repel each other. This happens in relationships when couples get depolarized. People get discouraged because they don’t know how to meet each others needs so a shift in energy occurs. In 95% of all couples both men and women are well intentioned towards their partner but feel constantly misunderstood and frustrated by their needs and communication style.

For example: Men don’t feel like they can succeed so they get tentative, and women protect themselves by being strong. A man might give up because he can’t figure out how to make the woman happy taking on a more feminine energy, and the woman becomes frustrated with the man’s ability to understand her so she takes on more masculine energy.

At first, this might be a very subtle shift. But over time, this lack of polarity is like cold water poured on the spark of attraction, and… it’s gone. In my opinion, this is the biggest single issue that causes challenges in relationships, and the #1 cause of divorce.

Intimate relationships can be relatively easy when you know what to do. Passion can be like a switch that you turn on when you have the right energy in a relationship. It is independent of age or time spent together.

Imagine what a difference a loving, fulfilling, intimate relationship will make in your life. Imagine what it might be like to know that every day your relationship is growing in love. These 5 strategies used effectively can shift even the most difficult, challenging situations. Now decide what you want your relationship to ultimately look like, and what you will do next in order to have it?

3 Steps To Make 2012 Your Best Year Ever

Make Some Big Plans!

So what are your plans for 2012? Have you made any New Year’s resolutions, or set some goals that inspire you?

The New Year causes most of us to pause and contemplate just for a moment the reality that another year has arrived. We are all older, hopefully wiser, and wondering where all the time went. 2012! Who can believe it’s here already? And more importantly, what do we do about it?

Most of us think about the New Year for mere moments on and off. We are not very committed to change. In fact, of those who make New Year’s resolutions, 25% have forgotten them in the first week, and 36% have given them up in the first month. Those numbers continue to drop as the year gets rolling. Overall, most of us just are not very good at motivating ourselves. Time to fix that!

Here’s 3 Steps to Make 2012 Your Best Year Ever:

1). Become More Confident
It’s time to believe in yourself a little more this year. You might be surprised what a difference that can make. Confidence gives you a feeling of certainty about what you can do, or who you can be. Let’s find out how YOU feel about yourself because you are the only one that matters in Self confidence. Rate your self confidence on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being total, unstoppable self confidence. Now, be totally honest. How high is your self confidence 1-10? ____

Do you believe in yourself enough? If you are completely honest does your confidence hold you back from something in your life?

There are many ways to boost your confidence. Here are a few easy things to do:

a). Like yourself more– How highly we like ourselves directly affects our confidence.
b). Take some risks– Even relatively small risks can increase confidence
c). Remember courage– Courage always comes before confidence.

By doing those 3 things, you are accepting that you are responsible for your self confidence. This is an incredible gift to give yourself because it contains the seeds of the power to change your life.

2). Experience More of Life
This is easy to commit to… Right? Make a goal or resolution to simply experience more good things in life. This will help you to feel more alive. You might adopt this daily thought…What can I do today to experience more of life?
Here are some easy ways:

Try a new ethnic restaurant that you normally would never try. Wear something totally different than normal for you. Bring fresh flowers home every week. Destroy all of your routines that don’t make you feel alive. Implement new ones that feel great. Read some inspirational stories or books. Adopt a new hobby. Get to the gym, ski slopes, beach (yes even in the winter), city, country, islands etc. Create and cultivate some new friendships. Go to plays, concerts, movies, and shows. Get off of your electronic devices and get out and do something new. Have some fun, and adventure and leave the devices off.

Explore who you are and who you are meant to be. Contribute beyond yourself. The choices are unlimited. Life beckons, and all you have to do is to decide to answer.
Put this on your bathroom mirror; Experience More Life Today! Make it a mission to find only positive ways to experience more of the good things in life.

3. Make Gratitude a Routine
Maybe you have heard all about gratitude before, or so you might think right. And you remember to be grateful, what’s the big deal? Here’s what you need to know. Gratitude is the fastest way to happiness. Create a routine before you go to sleep at night to go through a 3-5 minute list of everything you are grateful for. Even things you could be grateful for. Little things, Huge things, it doesn’t matter. Be grateful for it all.

However, as you go through this list, you must FEEL grateful. Feeling is the key. You must feel good as you do this, because if you are not feeling good you are not being grateful. If it’s hard to think about being grateful when things are tough try this:

Imagine that you are totally grateful for what you have in your life. Even grateful for the possibility of what you could have in your life. You can imagine anything. If I asked you to imagine the taste of a lemon, or the smell of a rose, or the feeling of fear, you could do them all easily. You can also experience gratitude just by imagining it. Make it part of your feeling experience before you go to sleep. You will begin to notice the difference it can make in your life.

Here is a Review of the 3 Steps:
1. Become more confident. By liking yourself more, taking some small risks, and remembering courage. Self Confident people are happier and more successful.
2. Experience More of Life. Experience more good variety in your life. There are countless easy ways. As you do, you might find that you become more curious, more joyful, more playful, more adventurous, more determined, more loving, and more giving.
3. Make Gratitude a Routine. You will become happier. When you are happy, you open the door to become more receptive to all the good things in life. Is there some limit on how much happiness a person is allowed to have in their life? No! Maybe its time to stretch your own limitations on how much happiness that you are allowing in.

The New Year is here! You can’t escape it. Are there some changes that you want to make in your life? Looking back, how will 2012 define you?

No matter what goals or resolutions you have for the New Year, there is plenty of room for; more confidence, more life experiences, and more gratitude.

How do you get started? You simply make a decision to go for it, and then you resolve it’s done no matter what. Then you DO; more confidence, more life, more gratitude every day, because it is part of who you are, and what you do. And you revel in the amazing life experiences you create, and the ones that find you. It’s time to go create your best year ever!  Happy New Year!

The Top 5 Regrets of Those About to Die (With Lessons for the Living)

We all like to think we will live forever.  That’s been my plan.  But life has a different reality in store for all of us.  You might have heard the expressions “live like there is no tomorrow”, or “live each day as if it was your last”.

What would change for you if you took this advice?  How often do you experience the joy of living fully?

I did an exercise some years back that impacted me significantly.  The exercise was writing my own obituary.  Morbid stuff- yes, definitely, but emotionally provoking.  It changed many of my priorities.  I highly recommend it.

This Top 5 Regrets list was compiled by Bronnie Ware, author and palative care worker who worked with countless patients in their last days.  Here is a summary of The Top 5 Regrets of Those About to Die:

 

  1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.  It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.

 

  1.  I wish I didn’t work so hard.  Most missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.  No one said I wished that I had worked more. It was not money or status that held importance to them.

 

  1. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.  Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

 

  1.  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends –  Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends and family when they are dying.

 

  1. I wish that I had let myself be happier.  This is a surprisingly common one.  Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a  choice.  Fear of change, staying stuck in old habits and patterns was a common theme, but it doesn’t have to be that way at all.  No one worried about what others thought about them.  They wished that they had been sillier and laughed more often.

 

At the end of life, people think about love and relationships, and the meaning that their lives had.  Nothing else is of much importance.

What do you want your life to be about?

Maybe it’s time to choose to live and love fully today.  This is YOUR life.  Follow your heart!   Pursue your dreams!   And CHOOSE to live a life of Zero Regrets!

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.  –J. R. Tolkien

3 Steps to Permanent Weight Loss

What do you want your body to look like by the end of 2012?

Now is a great time to decide what you want to achieve in your physical health for 2012.

Did you make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight and get in better shape?  If you did, you are not alone. Losing weight and getting in better shape are the most popular New Year’s resolutions.

Making a resolution is great.  Keeping it is the challenge.  According to Resolution statistics, 25% of people have already dropped their resolutions after  just the first week.  By the end of January, 36% of people will have totally dropped their resolutions.  WHY?

It gets worse for those without a goal or resolution….According to the American Psychological Association people who have made a goal like losing weight are 10 times more likely to succeed if they made a New Year’s resolution.  You can only imagine how highly unlikely it would be for someone to lose weight without a goal or resolution.

Here’s what you need to know:

There is an emotional component that must be addressed if weight loss is to be made permanent.  It is not enough to intellectually understand what you should do.

Here are the facts; Americans spend $40 billion a year on weight loss programs and products. Diet’s simply don’t work, or they work only for a limited time.  People try diet after diet with a varying degree of success.  If you wait, there will be a new diet fad coming in the next few months, and forever after because the core problem is not being addressed.

Exercise and eating nutrient rich foods definitely works, but people don’t stay with the exercise and healthy diet even though they know they should.   WHY not?

Because there is an emotional component that needs to be addressed if weight loss is to be made permanent.

Here’s how you can get the results you want:

Step 1Control Your Focus

What is your day to day emotional focus?  It is specific, compelling and within your control?  Are you crystal clear on what you want to experience every day, or are you fixated on fears and uncertainties?  Is your orientation health or is it filling some emotional void?  We all have emotional needs and triggers.  What is the emotional pattern that restricts your life and prevents you from getting the results you want?  Is it anger, self pity, guilt, loneliness, self sabotage, etc…?  As you begin to shift your emotional focus, everything can change.

Step 2 – Use Tools and Strategies that Work.

What are your tools and strategies for losing weight?  Are they effective? If you want to be successful at losing weight, you have to know what tools and strategies actually work, and which ones do not.  As a contrast, you could probably tell me what to do if I wanted to gain weight and get out of shape.

Many strategies are built upon an emotional foundation, which must be disrupted and replaced by something that feels better, and is better for you.  Simply getting rid of a weak strategy usually becomes an opportunity for a different weak strategy to take its place when the emotional connection is not broken.  Strategies are only as good as the emotional charge that drives them.

Step 3 – Resolve Inner Conflicts

You can have a powerful focus to create change, and the right tools and strategies, and yet if you have an inner conflict, the real change you want will never happen.  This is usually the challenge for people who say that they have tried everything, but nothing seems to work.

Is food being used to meet some emotional need, or as a substitute for other things in life?

Does food bring a feeling of certainty and comfort to dull pain or ease fear?

Are you using food to manage things that food can’t fix?  For example if a relationship is not fulfilling, food might meet your emotional needs at a very low level, but even when your needs are met at a low level, it can become a habitual pattern.

When something in your life upsets you, do you solve the problem or use food to manage your emotions?

Are you willing to make a commitment to yourself to understand why you might be overweight or out of shape in order to get the results you want?  Can you tell yourself the truth, and not make it worse than it really is?

Remember, you are more than anything that could have ever happened to you in your life, or ever will. Can you see things better than they are right now, and feel it?  This is simply an emotional muscle that you can easily make strong when you resolve inner conflict.

Are you undervaluing yourself?  Are you in a reactive pattern where instead of creating your life, you are reacting to others limitations?

Whenever you choose to change something, you must draw a clear line between the emotional states and habits that are good for you, and the emotional states and habits that will cause you pain.  Now, draw the line, and never go back.

This requires a commitment.  A commitment to feed the courageous part of you that yearns to step up and allows you to lead the life you truly deserve.  The weight loss and fitness happen as a result of honoring the true nature of who you really are.

And the real you is more than enough.  The illusion is that you had to change.  The truth is that you just have to remember who you are.

These 3 steps will free you enough for the weight loss to simply happen naturally, because when you know who you are and honor yourself, you know what to do.

 

 

4 Steps to Get the Stress Out!

Want to dump your stress?  Here is what you really need to know.

Stress comes in all kinds of shapes, colors and flavors.  Your stress is unique to you, so  your solution has to be what will work for you, and not necessarily what will work for someone else.

If your doctor said “you have to learn how to relax more, maybe you should take yoga or meditate.”  What would you do?   Maybe he gives you some pills and as for the good advice, that – you never take because you are just not that into yoga.  Meditation?  Maybe it works, but you don’t have time to sit around and think of nothing for 30 minutes or more.  Maybe that idea even sounds stressful to you.  So you do nothing and remain stressed out.

You’ve got to find what works for you.

As you know, at the extreme levels, stress leads to health challenges, depression and more.   You can easily find what the medical community has to  say about it with a simple web search.

Here is my personal take on stress, and my approach to helping clients deal with it:

We all DO stress.  Stress is not something that is done to us.  We are active participants in maintaining it, and most of the time we don’t even realize it.

Ok, you say you ‘re stressed out… Here are the 4 Steps to get the stress out:

Step 1.   What does your stress look like?  This is the doing part.  I want to know how it manifests itself for you because that is going to be totally unique to you.  What are you doing to yourself?  What are you feeling?  What are you saying to yourself?  What are you thinking?  What are you picturing in your mind? What are you doing with your body?  I want your recipe for stress.

Step 2.  Disrupt the mind and body.  Next, I have you DO something different than the thing that created the stress.  You move your body completely differently.  You interrupt the thoughts, images and self talk, so that your stress immediately starts to disappear.  You have just shifted your focus. Stress is another emotion, and in order to create stress, you have to think a certain way, and hold your physiology (body, facial expressions, breathing, etc) in a particular way, or the stress would not exist.

Step 3.  Replace the thoughts and fix the body. Now you DO something different again.  If you eliminate a habit, or pattern, you have to replace it with something else.  In this case you get rid of something that creates stress, and replace it with something that feels better.  There are numerous things that feel better than stress like; happiness, gratitude, excitement, passion, love, sexual connection, peace, laughter, adventure etc…

Step 4.  Resolve the cause of the stress.  If this is not done, the stress will just keep returning.  This is often caused by the way you might be making something more important than it really is.  What seems to be really important is not usually the cause of the stress.

Now, plug into these 4 steps your own stressful situation.   Here is an example: Joe is feeling stressed out because he can’t find a job.

Step 1.   What is happening?  Joe is saying to himself  “Why can’t I find a job?”, and he is thinking about all the bills he has to pay, and he is imagining losing his home, and he has his head down, and he is rubbing the furrows in his forehead with his left hand, and he is breathing very shallow, and he feels pressure in his chest.

Step 2Disrupt.  Now Joe must shift things radically, so now he might say ” OOOhhhh That Tickles So Good!!!”   in his sexiest voice, and rapidly get up out of his chair, and march exaggeratedly around the room.  Sound ridiculous?  It works!

Step 3Replace.  No WHY questions allowed!  Joe has to ask himself a new question, and it can’t start with WHY.   For example:  Try– “How can I treat myself with more kindness right now?”  Then a new image will come into his mind, and he can rub his chin and comtemplate “Ahhhh, so many choices that feel good” in his sexiest voice, breathing deeply while he contemplates what feels good.  Next, Joe has to actually do one of the things that came into his mind to treat himself with kindness.  Silly?  It works too!

Step 4.  Resolve.  Here we dig deeper to find out the real cause of the stress.  Is the stress caused from a lack of a job, or is it caused because Joe  is not doing what he needs to do, in order to find a job.  Or, is the stress caused because he does not know what to do, in order to find a job, and he is overwhelmed by the process.  Or maybe he is stressed because he is focused on blaming himself for losing his last job, and it’s  holding him back because he has lost his confidence. Or maybe the stress is caused by someone’s expectations of what Joe should be doing, or not doing.  Maybe someone close to Joe is constantly badgering him about the lack of job etc…

Once we discover the specific cause, we work on shifting it so that it no longer causes stress.   We will then learn how much of the stress creation is completely under Joe’s control.  Usually almost all of it.

From my perspective, this is a process that is totally unique to the world inside the individual’s body and mind.  We do stress to ourselves, and we can help to resolve it when we have the awareness to catch ourselves stuck in a pattern that creates it.

Now which of these ideas can you build from, and use to influence your own stressful situation to help make your stress melt away?  Have fun!  Be outrageous and silly!  That helps to create  a compelling  environment for change.  You just might like it.

 

 

Vision! How far can you see inside?

I saw the angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free.  -Michelangeo

Who are you?  Tell me who you are…

Stop for a second!  I know you’re  busy.  But you’re also playful, so take just 45 seconds to answer the question- Who are you?

Just go for it   You will get more out of this post, I promise.

Ready?  Tell me about who you are…Just complete this sentence:

I am a… _______     and I am an…________       and I am… _______        and I am…_________etc…  keep going for just 30 seconds more.

If you did this, you just described how you see yourself.  This is your identity.   And once we have an identity then we will do everything we can to remain consistent with this identity.

Following this identity you can then create a vision of who you want to become-  some higher level  or expanded identity.  Reasonable enough right?

This vision is an essential key to shaping your future.  Who are you at your core?  Who is this incredible you?  The you waiting to be discovered inside that wants to live life full out, and push the edges of what is possible.

You also have a vision for who you are in every area of your life.  Answer briefly the following:

Who are you as a mother/father?

Who are you as a wife/husband?

Who are you as a lover?

Who are you in your work?

I believe that the highest vision of who you are is the key to unlocking your potential in every area of your life.  This highest vision gives you the power to experience deeper and more meaningful success in every area of your life.

Here is an example of why this is important:

Vision #1

Let’s say you tell me that your vision for being a Wife is that you are  loving and supportive to your husband, and that you show your appreciation to him regularly for all that he does for you and the family, that you are always there for him when he needs you, and that you take time to check on what you can do for him regularly, that you make sure you laugh and have fun when you are together.

Sounds pretty good right?  Lots of husbands are wishing that you were their wife right now.

However, with some feedback from me you might decide that there is a higher vision of who you are as a Wife.  Not what you can be,  but who you really are. And you accept this higher vision as your identity in the present, not in the future.   The difference is enormous.  It is you today, right now.

Vision #2

Now as a wife:

You go out of your way to make your husband feel absolutely certain that you love him, and that you show him every day that he is the most important thing in your life.  You give your love freely because it is who you are, and why you are here.  You anticipate what he needs and give it to him.  You take time to surprise him with the little ways that you demonstrate your love and appreciation to him.  You are happy, and he makes you even happier.  You open the feminine woman that you are to him fully, and allow him to see and feel your vulnerability because it brings out his masculine presence.

You are fun and crazy and outrageous and spontaneous always making him feel great around you.   You treat him like he is your hero every day, and familiarize yourself with the things that are important to him so that you can help him to grow, and encourage him by reminding him of all the success he has had whenever a rough patch hits.  You also tell him that you believe in him totally, and you contribute to helping him to become even more of the man that he already is.

As you can easily imagine, the higher Vision #2 will create a  happier and more fulfilling relationship.  Is this easy?  No.  But nothing extraordinary is easy.  There are many couples living lives of incredible joy because of the vision that they set for their relationship.  Why not you?

By the way, in case you were wondering, I could have easily used an example of how a Husband with a higher vision might treat his wife,  so I will:

He  makes her feel like a goddess, and anticipates her needs and makes her feel certain that she is the most important thing in the world to him.  He gives her his undivided attention whenever she talks to him, and never tries to fix anything that she needs to talk about unless she asks him for his opinion.  He  volunteers to help her with household things regularly because she does so much as it is, and he totally gets it, helping her to relax and feel less stressed.  He shows his appreciation for her constantly and surprises her with genuine compliments for specific things about her that he finds amazing.

Her needs come first, and he makes himself available for the things that are important to her.  He is constantly surprising her in so many ways, and she never knows what wonderful things he is going to do next.  He is her Rock of Gibraltar, the strong man that she can always confide in and count on, because he can handle her when she is emotional and vulnerable and he knows exactly what to do when she needs him.  Sometime she doesn’t even need to say anything, and with just a look, he knows exactly what to do.

She feels a deep connection with this man because they have lots of  intimate moments, and they do not have to be sexual.  He looks deeply into her eyes often and smiles at how happy she makes him, and because she is so relaxed around this man, she becomes even more feminine and that brings out incredible passion between them, where she can easily lose herself in his arms.

Is this higher vision even realistic?  Yes.  Are there people out there who are striving to make this vision the standard for themselves?  Absolutely!  You might even adopt this vision, or parts of it, if it was important enough to you.

You can think of the vision that you want, but in order it to create results, you must own it completely. It must resonate with both your heart and your mind.   Thought alone is not enough.

You have 3 choices:

1. Live YOUR Vision.

2. Live SOMEONE ELSE’S vision.

3. Live NO Vision, and wander aimlessly through life.

So, what’s the downside of having this higher vision?  Maybe you only do a few of the things that I listed.  But even those few things will create a greater impact on your relationship than would have ever been possible.  In fact, they might transform your marriage.

So, you light up your spouse in a way that they  haven’t experienced from you, and it creates an incredible bond between you that allows the relationship to grow even more, and the intimate connection to deepen.  Not such a bad thing is it?

With this type of vision, the future looks much brighter than the present. Do you feel that your intimate relationship is going to get even better every day?  With the right vision you should be excited about the future because you know without a doubt that it will only get better.

This new vision helps  expand your identity of who you are.   And once you own this new vision, you will do everything in your power to remain consistent with  it.

Now you understand what is possible when you take on a new identity based upon a higher vision of who you are in any area of your life.  It’s a discovery of your true self combined with the  courage and commitment to live a larger version of YOU than what you show the world today.

In the effort to live up to the standard of a higher vision you will grow and contribute in so many ways that you will feel totally alive, and happier than you have ever been-  guaranteed.

When you know who you are, you know what to do.  -Count of St. Germaine

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pick one…Self Confidence or Self Doubt?

Do you believe in yourself enough?

If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Self Confidence is defined as a belief in oneself.   A belief in our own powers and abilities.  It is not Peer Confidence, or Parent Confidence, or School Confidence or World Confidence or even Face Book Confidence it is SELF Confidence.   It can only come from what we believe about ourselves.

So if it is SELF Confidence, when would now be a good time to accept the fact that whatever happened in the past, or whatever someone said about you, does not matter any more.  Can you take 100% responsibility now for your own confidence level?   Will You accept total responsibility for your level of self confidence?  And When will you?

In order for your Self Confidence to increase, you simply have to believe in yourself more.  Not anyone else… only you.  So what would have to happen in order for you to take your belief in yourself from a level 6 (out of 10) to a level 6 1/2?  How could you get it even higher?  What would you have to do or think to take it to a level 7?  Is that even possible for you?

I have been asking clients for years to rate their level of self confidence on a scale of 1- 10. (With 10 being supreme total confidence).  Initially as I started to do this I was shocked at the confidence levels of many of the executives that I worked with.  These were highly successful people in highly paid positions, yet they had lower levels of self confidence than I would have ever imagined.

Even if you have a high level of self confidence initially, when you are faced with challenges and adversity in the face of something that you are striving for, your confidence level can become shaken, and your performance can suffer.  All of these executives were experiencing challenges that caused their performance to suffer and their confidence levels to drop.  It doesn’t have to be that way.

We see it over and over again in elite athletics.  For example When Apolo Ohno the most decorated US Winter Olympic medal winner of all time was asked why he didn’t perform better at the 2006 Olympic games, he replied,”I didn’t believe in myself enough.”

That refreshingly honest, brutal truth demonstrates the line between an Olympic Gold medal and nothing.   Confidence is everything.   It is magnified when the stakes are raised, and the competition is equal to ourselves.  Talent does not get the job done, training does not get the job done. They all play a role in the preparation.  But winning is primarily a matter of confidence.

In the recent Winter Olympic games in Vancouver, the women’s  final for down hill skiing was performed in unusually warm weather that created lots of fog.  So the conditions were difficult.  What was most interesting to me was that all the former Olympic athlete broadcasters could talk about was how this weather thing was affecting the confidence of the skiers.  The greatest skiers on the planet were questioning their own ability to win due to weather conditions, even though all competitors were faced with the exact same weather elements.

That day, the most confident skier won, not the best practiced or best technical skier…the most confident one was the winner because they were fearless about pushing the edge, and not worrying the fog, or about whether they were going to fall or not.   Self doubt had eroded the confidence of countless great skiers.

The belief in yourself that you can succeed, and win the gold medal, or ask out the girl, or get the job,  or earn lots of $$, or be a great Mom, or perform before 100,000 people or close the sale,  is your competitive edge, it is the difference time after time.  It is the most important key to success, and nothing great can be achieved without it.

I have seen what is possible from my personal belief in myself when everyone around me doubted and told me it would never happen.   I have experienced so many amazing clients  step up in their lives at levels that they initially questioned were ever possible for them.  So I know that you also have that ability within you to believe and not doubt, and to make what you want happen. No matter what anyone else around you is saying.   So even though I don’t know you personally yet…  I  believe in you!

Now, it’s time for you to believe in yourself, and have the confidence to create the future that you truly want.  Nothing can stop you but you.

 

 

 

 

 

Man vs Food vs Woman

Man loses, and learns another lesson.

While having dinner with my wife and son the other night, my wife asked me how I liked my salad.  It seemed innocent enough.  On the surface, a reasonable question, because she had just made her version of a particular salad that we had both enjoyed from a recent restaurant visit.

Now, I usually understand feminine communication well, but being the clueless male that I am from time to time.  I was caught off guard involved in a side conversation with my son.

I turned to her and replied, “I like the vegetables cut a little smaller”.  For me at that moment, it was the right answer to a simple question.  Big mistake!  I had not looked closely enough at her before I answered the question.

I had failed a test of masculine energy.

I had not realized the question was how do you like the salad; the salad of our lives together?

If I had, she would not have snapped “nothing is ever good enough for you”.  Now catching up fast, I realized that I had answered the wrong question.  So I chose to say nothing despite an energy rising of… what the *#&^!…. are you talking about?  I knew that for her, the best thing for me to do in that moment was to let her have her space and the tiny emotional storm would pass, and of course it did.

If the emotional storm was bigger, I would have done something very differently, because I do understand how feminine energy communicates.

In an attempt to be open with her feminine energy and vulnerability, she had trusted me enough to test me and my masculine energy with the following:

Is what I am doing for you good enough?  Am I enough for you?  Can you accept me unconditionally even when I am scared and emotional?   Will you reject me?  Can you see how much I love you by this gesture to please you?  Can you sense my anticipation of your answer?  Can you see how important it is in this moment to reassure me that I am OK, and to give me your total attention?  Do you love me?

If you are a man reading this you are probably going “HUH!  You’ve got to be kidding me”.   If you are a feminine woman you are probably smiling and totally relating to this situation.

For this woman, if I were to have done it right, I would have looked her deeply in the eyes and said “I love you, …the salad is really great. I really appreciate you… making it for me.   I would  also have kept looking in her eyes to see  if she had anything else to say, and to check in on her reaction.

I cook dinner alot, but the next time I found her making the same salad or something similar, I would say “I think I would like to try the vegetables cut really small tonight, do you want me to help you do it?”

 

Got Goals? Here are 5 Easy Steps to Unlock Your Power

What’s goals got to do with success?

I know…  I know…   You have heard all about goal setting.  Hopefully you have goals written down, but if not, now is a great time to start and here’s Why:

You may even know about the University studies years ago that polled recent college graduates on whether or not they had written goals, and then followed up 20 years later to see what had happened.  Do you remember the results?

Here is what you need to know:  The 3% of the college grads who had the written goals were worth more $$ than the other 97% combined.  Want to look at that math again?  The 3% goal setters had more wealth than the other 97% combined.  And they had more happy, successful relationships.  I guess maybe that goal setting thing works after all.

So if you are not writing your goals on paper (Yes, they must be written down… someone always asks me that), maybe you are not giving your self the best chance for the success your deserve.  But you would never do that, so you are going to have written goals right?

OK here are the 5 Steps:

Step 1.   DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT.

You must get clear exactly what it is that you want.  Because the more clear you are, and the more vividly you can see your goals and dreams,  the more likely you’ll achieve them.   Who can hit a target they can’t see?  The more crystal clear and specific the better.

Of course, the goals must be written down.  The ability to focus on your goals through the process of writing actually allows the doors of your creativity to open both consciously and unconsciously.  That is important.

Step 2.  WRITE DOWN ALL THE REASONS WHY you want to achieve your goals.  As many reasons as you can think of.   Write down all the benefits you will get from the goals.  The more benefits you have in writing, the more you will attract your goals like a super-magnet.

Step 3.   WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING THAT YOU WOULD BE WILLING TO DO to achieve your goals.  Write down everything that you think it would take to get it, everything that it would require from you in terms of commitment and effort.

Step 4.  SET A DEADLINE.  Give it a specific time frame, because without a deadline it is only a wish list.

Step 5. REVIEW your goals regularly to check your progress.  Be flexible to change your approach if something you’re doing isn’t creating the result that you want.  Daily review of your goals is a great way to make sure that you are staying focused on what is most important to you.

In order to do this process most effectively, give yourself some un-interrupted time for creative brainstorming.  Add your favorite background music and have some fun.  Imagine you were a kid again, and anything was possible.  As a kid, there are no limits to what you can be, or do, or have.  Imagine anything is possible!  Write it down even if it seem silly or impossible.

Being realistic or “reasonable” has no role in this type of goal setting.  This process is all about opening the doors of your creativity and creating the right mindset for you to attract success.   You will be amazed at what can happen.

I recently went back over a list of goals that I had written down 15 years ago, and to my amazement, I had done most everything on the list.  At the time, many of the things on that list had seemed like it would  never happen for me, but I wrote it down anyway.  Some of the things I never even consciously thought much about in between review of my goals.  They happened anyway.

What do you dream about doing?…  What do you want to have? … Who do you want to become?

You may be surprised as you look back on the future you just created for yourself.   So, Go Live your dreams!

 

 

 

 

 

PEAK Life Inspirational Quotes

Sometimes the right words can change your life.
I know this from personal experience. Many of us have used quotes as an inspirational force in our lives. Quotes can uplift our mood, motivate us, and help us to gain perspective.  They can make us stop, and go into deep thought. Some quotes speak directly to our emotions and we feel as if the words are directed right at us.  When they feel real, it causes us to pause our lives for just a moment as we take it in.  Do you have a quote that moved you in some way?

Whatever you desire, you deserve. You might not get it, but you are worthy of all of your heart’s desires. –Jeff Forte

A day dawns just like any other day, and in an hour it blooms, just like any other hour, but on this day, in this hour, you may be presented with the opportunity of a lifetime. -Anon

What is exciting about life is that everyday offers a new opportunity. A chance to start over. A chance to go forward head held high expecting the best. You may be surprised at how often that is exactly what you will get. -Anon

When one door closes it allows another one to open that is often bigger and more magnificent than you could ever have imagined.
–Jeff Forte

So what do we do? Anything! Something! So long as we just don’t
sit there. If we screw up, start over. Try something else. If we wait until we’ve satisfied all the uncertainties, it may be too late. -Lee Iacoca

So you think that you’re a failure, do you? Well, you probably are. What’s wrong with that? In the first place, if you’ve any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats. Go ahead and fail. But fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. A mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success. Embrace failure! Seek it out. Learn to love it. That may be the only way any of us will ever be free.”
― Tom Robbins

I am convinced that unconditional love is the most powerful known
stimulant of the immune system. If I told patients to raise their blood levels of immune globulins or killer T cells, no one would know how. But if I can teach them to love themselves and others fully, the same change happens automatically. The truth is: love heals. -Dr. Bernie Siegel

As we elevate the vision that we hold for ourselves, not only is more possible, but we discover who we are when we are at our best.   -Jeff Forte

To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.
-Theodore H. White

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. -Mark Twain

Who do you point the finger of blame at for the things that are wrong in your life? When do you take responsibility? -Jeff Forte

People often say that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves.
-Salma Hayek

The hectic frenzied life is keeping you from happiness. Can you slow it down and truly immerse yourself in the most important things? -Jeff Forte

There are only two options regarding commitment. You’re either in or you’re out. There’s no such thing as life in-between. -Pat Riley

If you settle for less than you can be, you will be unhappy for the rest of your life. -Abraham Maslow

If I had an hour to solve a problem and my life depended on the solution, I would spend the first 55 minutes determining the proper question to ask, for once I know the proper question, I could solve the problem in less than five minutes. -Albert Einstein

The thoughts you have on a daily basis either hold you back or propel you forward.  They take you to experience the success and happiness you really want or they keep you  stuck with the results that are less than you deserve.  -Jeff Forte

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. —Benjamin Franklin

Man makes or unmakes himself. In the armory of thought he forges the weapons in which he destroys himself or the tools with which he builds for himself heaven. -James Allen

Live as if you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time.
-Viktor E. Frankl

I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. -Thomas Edison

Knowledge is impotent. Taking action on what you know is your true power. -Jeff Forte

Try not to become a man of success but a man of value. – Albert Einstein

Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?
-anon

Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it…It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more. -Erica Jong.

Whenever you do a thing, though it can never be known but to yourself, ask yourself how you would act were all the world looking at you, and act accordingly. -Thomas Jefferson

Every decision you make – every decision – is not a decision about what to do. It’s a decision about Who You Are. When you see this, when you understand it, everything changes. You begin to see life in a new way. All events, occurrences, and situations turn into opportunities to do what you came here to do. -Neale Donald Walsch

When you know who you are you know what to do.
-Count of St. Germain

Mental edge is everything. It is everything in life, and in sports. The mental can not only be the difference- it is the difference.
-Apolo Ohno

What if this particular day of training right now would be the one that you would be remembered for, this particular interval on the treadmill was the last one that I would be remembered for, that is how I trained. That’s how I approached it.
-Apolo Ohno

Before you go to bed at night ask yourself this did you do everything you could today to be your best? It’s hard to answer yes to that.
-Apolo Ohno

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
-Victor Frankl

How you feel about me is irrelevant … how I feel about myself is everything. My opinion, my beliefs, my thoughts and my conversations about who I am and what I’m about, paves the way for the entire universe to prove to me that I’m right.
–Elizabeth Richardson

The distance between where you are and where you want to be is mere moments every day.   Control your thoughts and you control your destiny.  -Jeff Forte

The butterfly said to the sun, “They can’t stop talking about my transformation. I can only do it once in my lifetime. If only they knew, THEY can do it at any time and in countless ways. -Dodinsky

If you are interested you will do what is convenient.  If you are committed you will do whatever it takes.   -John Assaraf

This spark of life, this amazing being that you are, wants the most incredible life possible.  How can you settle for any less? –Jeff Forte

Pain is temporary.   It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place.  If I quit, however, it lasts forever.    – Lance Armstrong

When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die. -Eleanor Roosevelt

We are either acting from memory or inspiration.  -Andrew Fretwell

Whatever you believe to be true…is!  Whatever you believe about yourself  is the foundation of your success or failure before you begin.  -Jeff Forte

All negative thoughts and feelings are simply love under pressure. – Ashtar

People have a comfort zone that keeps them contained in some are of their life but it actually causes them to suffer.  Time to break through. -Jeff Forte

Who do you blame? Let it go, or let the bitterness and resentment grind down all of your happiness until there’s nothing left. -Jeff Forte

What is the limit of your potential? Have you squeezed the juice out of all you can be, or is there more waiting to be discovered?  -Jeff Forte